Lockdown and Me and BPD

First of all, how are you doing? Like, really? These past few months have been some of the weirdest most of us have ever experienced, and I think we all need to be checking in with each other, and ourselves, to make sure we’re doing okay, and asking for help or support when we need it. 

Image from seemescotland.org

Weirdly, the stage we’re currently in, of trying to emerge from Lockdown and navigate all the ambiguous regulations, ever-changing guidance and new-found freedom, seems to be more anxiety-inducing than the bizarre certainty of full isolation. I have seen a spike in my anxiety in the last few weeks, and a lot of people I’ve spoken to have felt the same.

I don’t know about anyone else, but when I pictured us coming out of Lockdown when we were first told to Stay Home, I imagined warm reunions with family and friends, full of hugs and laughter. What is actually happening is tentative plans to meet up 2 metres apart in gardens, the terror of standing too near older family members in case you put them at risk, and the confusion of being so close to people you love but not being able to act normally. Please don’t get me wrong, I am so glad we can see more people now, and I’d take a garden chat with my grandma over not being able to see her any day of the week, but it’s not the joyous resumption of normality I think we were all hoping for. 

So, I hope you’re doing okay, I really do. If you’re not, please remember to be gentle with yourself, drink some water and get enough rest. You matter so much.

At the start of Lockdown, I was really worried about how I was going to cope with the weeks and months ahead. I know a lot of people around me were concerned about me as well. Which is fair enough, as this time last year I was still really struggling to live in a ‘normal’ world, overcome by panic attacks and depersonalisation on a daily basis, so how was my recently-recovered brain going to handle all this awfulness, sadness and change? 

I think knowing that I was at risk of becoming very ill again meant that I immediately went on the offensive, and dug out my ‘toolkit’ of basic self-care and -management that I’ve been painstakingly piecing together for the past two years (and, really, all my life).

I wanted to do a round-up here of things that have helped me keep my head above water during Lockdown, but when I began trying to sum them all up in one blog post I realised that it would be a loooooong post. 

So I think I’m going to do it as a series, and publish a shorter post every few days on a different aspect of my Lockdown life, and how it’s (so far) prevented that dip I so fear.

Until next time.

Sarah x

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