Negative Self-Talk and Me and BPD

It’s been a minute since I last wrote a blog post, which makes me sad and also kind of fits with what I want to talk about in this one.

After what seems like weeks (months!) of either me or Robyn being poorly, me hurting my back, snow, busy-ness and just generally parenting a toddler, I was just venting to my husband that I need some time to get out and move my body but that even if I find that time I’m just too flipping TIRED to do it. (If anyone tells me I’ll feel better for going, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.)

Our conversation then went:

Tom: ‘but that’s fine, you need to rest’

Me: ‘no, I’m lazy.’

Tom: ‘you’re not’

Me: ‘but that’s what my brain is telling me!’

*LIGHTBULB*

I heard the words come out of my mouth and suddenly realised how true they were. My brain was telling me these things, just like in the past my brain has told me I’m a loser, I’m annoying, my voice sounds weird, i don’t deserve to be happy, I haven’t done enough. All those things were cruel bits of self-talk that weren’t true… could this be the same?

Maybe I’m not just a lazy person who can’t be bothered to exercise and can’t stop eating Rich Tea biscuits? Maybe I’m just doing the best I can in my current circumstances?

I’m a stay at home mum, who uses some days of grandparent childcare to get all her work, life admin, cleaning, organising, exercising and resting done, I’m a business owner who’s really trying to book more work and build up a living for myself that way, I’m in charge of running our house (meals, food shop, cleaning), I take Robyn to classes for her development and fun, I try to have a bit of a social life, and don’t even talk to me about keeping up with all my trashy reality tv.

On top of that, I still breastfeed Robyn (it works for us, so that’s that) which is incredibly physically demanding as well as sometimes being mentally exhausting.

Even for someone who didn’t have a mental break down 5 years ago, that’s quite a lot to go at, and for someone who actively tries to not take on too much, I’m realising that actually I’m putting far too much pressure on myself and holding myself to standards I wouldn’t dream of holding others to.

A massive part of my recovery has been realising that I don’t have to think the way my brain sometimes wants to, and that actively challenging the negative self-talk and going against it even if it feels uncomfortable at first is the best way to move forward and be happier.

That’s not to say I don’t want to get exercising again, as I know it’s such an important part of my self care, but bullying myself into it when I’m already depleted and fed up is not going to help.

So for now I’m going to eat chips and beans for tea, put on my PJs and get whatever early night my (nearly) 2 year old allows. Because it turns out, it’s not laziness, it’s necessary.